Albion’s Alchemist

I am posting this via a connection not my own. My internet connection is out of comisson and will be for an indeterminate time. I will post when I have the oppertunity (by the good grace of sundry Alchemy friends) but it is likely to be sporadic at best. Sorry. Also, I’m still watching UFO.

There is a secret organization dedicated to protecting the Earth from extraterrestrial menace. They are our first, last and only line of defence against the worst scum of the universe. Using a variety of high-tech equipment and a large arsenal of specialised weapons they work in secret, hiding behind and within the everyday world. They move unseen leaving no trace of their activities. Anyone who comes into contact with them, or an alien, has their memory modified. They are S.H.A.D.O. The Supreme Headquarters, Alien Defence Organization.

The Alchemist has just acquired a complete set of U.F.O. DVD’s and if updates to the site are thin in the future, this is the most likely explanation. Now If you’ll excuse me, Lieutenant Ellis and I have unfinished business from when I was 13…

It seems that there were a few teething troubles to be sorted out, these now are, the comments system should work now.

I have before me an email from Fräulein Merci H, Alchemy correspondent in Germany. It is not so joyful as I believed it would be.

For those of you who still do not know, Angela Merkel is now Chancellor of the Federal Republic of Germany – or at least she will be by the middle of next month. We knew this would happen, or at least Fräulein H told me that it would and I believed her. However earlier this year it was intimated to me that Merkel’s CDU would win by a small landslide (if’ee see what I mean). As the date of the election approached though, Merkel’s lead slipped, until the incumbent Schroeder was almost level with her.

Truth be told Fräulein H is rather venomous about her countrymen – blaming those who voted for Schroeder despite his crimes (her words) for hobbling then new Chancellery.

Fräulein H is a thorough Merkel supporter, and has sung her praises on a number of occasions, though fewer than the occasions on which she has derided Schroeder.

Angela ‘the knife’ Merkel acquired her nickname from the way she treated her former mentor Helmut Kohl. When he was accused of financial impropriety (the little scamp) it was Merkel who was his most vociferous attacker, and it was she who brought down Kohl’s names successor taking the job herself.

Certain parties have expressed doubt as to her ability to solve Germany’s crippling unemployment, a task which will be made harder yet by the fact that Schroeder’s Sozialdemokratische Partei Deutschlands still control the Labour Ministry. One idea floated is to increase the size of Germany’s armed forces, Fräulein H informs me that I ought think twice before making any ‘humorous’ comment about this – the thought never even crossed my mind.

The German Home Office is under Merkel’s Christlich-Demokratische Union as is Defence and economics. But with the two main parties so evenly split, every decision made by the new Chancellor will be fought through the Bundestag. Fräulein H intends to lay all future national woes on those Germans who voted for the Sozialdemokratische Partei Deutschlands and thus prevented Merkel from achieving a decisive victory.

Merkel is the first female woman to lead Germany in a little over a thousand years. Lesbians with short hair and dirty finger-nails are making a big thing of this, at least that is how Fräulein H reports it. Your Author subscribes to the theory that, even in our modern age, for a woman to rise to high power, she must be twice as big-and-bad as a man, and that this is no bad thing in a leader. Look at our own Mrs. Thatcher – The Knife and the Iron Lady are two for a pair and I envy the Federal Republic her new leader. Merkel has a strong sense of national interest (do’ee remember when Albion had a leader with any national interest at all?) and is, as we have seen, not the sort to let personal feelings get in the way of the job at hand. She’s not going to put up with Europe co-opting her nations freedom, and she ain’t going to use Europe to co-opt Albion’s either.

Now it is of course true that distance can masque incompetence, and under the leadership of TB, almost any other government looks preferable, but I shall say it again, I envy Fräulein H her new leader.

There’s an old journalistic maxim which runs ‘If you’re not offending someone, you’re not doing it right’. With his in mind the Alchemist has to assume he is doing something right.
You no doubt read my little mockery of the site Wander-Cures.com (Alchemy passim) and it may even have brought a smile to your face.

What is certain is that you clicked through the link to Mr. Jaisinghani’s site, because he followed you back to this Alchemy. And he did not like what he saw, oh no.

Certain aspects of the British mentality have rubbed of on our former colonies over the years and centuries, for instance Mr. Jaisinghani’s first instinct, upon finding himself offended, was to write a stiff letter. Here it is.

Message Received: Oct 11 2005, 08:11 AM
From: “Ashok T. Jaisinghani”
To: thealchemist@fsmail.net
Cc:
Subject: White Racist Nitwits!

So there. The Alchemist whole-heartedly recommends his reads do go to Nutritionist-No-1.com it’s a lot of fun. As to whether you will suffer the sort of debilitating nightmares threatened, well, that is purely a matter your own personal mental constitution.

The Alchemist replied to Mr. Jaisinghani. It’s only polite, what.

Sir,
Whilst I am white (I’m a nitwit too sometimes), I am by no means racist - I grew up in Saudi Arabia and if I had been racist, I would not be alive today.

The Alchemist

I think I was polite, and made a couple of good points. If There are any further responses suitable for public viewing then I shall probably post them too. I’d like to ask all of m’fellow Stumble-Upon users to visit Wonder-Cures.com and give it a thumbs up, we shall increase it’s ranking and show the world the truth about Aids, halleluiah!

Well here’s a turn-up – your author has before commented on the lack of international news to be had from the mainstream media, so you will appreciate his feelings when he caught a report about the current German leadership contest on the BBC’s ten o’clock news broadcast. Good for the Beeb. Alas it was unsubtly biased and indicated the corporations doubts concerning Angela Merkel’s ability, and right, to govern, but as I said to m’good friend Poosh I am a grown up boy and expect nothing better from the BBC. Alas.

Id the Alchemist knows his German correspondent then she will even now be writing a joyful missive to him – the which shall be the basis of a post in the very near future.

However, this is by the by. Today we are going to talk about the Conservative party. I cannot wait.

They say (the Telegraph but other sources too) that David Cameron (Alchemy Passim) has overtaken Kenneth Clarke and is the second favorite to lead the Tories into the next election. As I have said before, I believe Dr. Fox to be the best man for the job, but will reluctantly be supporting David Davis as the lesser of the two evils (t’other evil being Mr. Cameron). It is of course well known that we Tories are a capricious bunch where our leaders are concerned, but I think the question of why this Cameron chap is rising so fast in the race is one which could bare a little examination.

You will recall that I have said all along that what we really need is a leader with charisma. Well, Cameron has that in spades no-doubt, added to that he is young and he has not split the party with his opinions, like Mr. Clarke and Dr. Fox had. All to the good you may say. Cameron is significantly more popular among activists when compared to Foxy and has a real backing amongst the rank and file of the party too.

The fact of the matter is that Cameron has founded a ‘cult of personality’ I use Dr. Fox’s own words on Cameron. This is his greatest strength (charisma!) and also his greatest weakness.

Y’see, the Great British public have already a Prime Minister who’s sole weapon is his personality. Given the choice between Tony ‘all mouth and no trousers’ Blair and David ‘all mouth and no trousers’ Cameron, the electorate will choose the devil they know and we shall have lost another election.

Certainly we need a leader with charisma, but that will not be enough, our leader must have something more. He must not merely equal Blair, but beat him, on more than one element. Writing in the Telegraph Cameron claimed that this was the case, he said that he had more than mere charisma, but if that is so, we have yet to see it.

So far 70 mp’s have declared for Davis, 33 for Cameron and a mere 21 for our Foxy, this is why the Alchemist supports Davis even though he prefers Dr. Fox.

Incidentaly, whilst we are talking about the Conservatives, have’ee ever noticed that the Conservative homepage has buttons for Scottish Conservatives and Welsh Conservatives, but not a murmer about English Conservatives…

I was going to write about last night’s excitement in Basra – no really, it seemed like the sort of thing etc, but when it came to it I didn’t have any real insight or inspiration. Instead I hit the ‘Stumble’ button in m’Firefox browser so I’d have something to look at whilst I dreamt up a new subject for today’s post.

What should appear but a site I myself had suggested to Stumble Upon so many moons ago – there’s a coincidence.

Taking this as inspiration the Alchemist is pleased to announce a new regular feature (if he can be bothered to read this sort of crapola regularly) to be called ‘Hooray for the Differently Sane!’ since that is in toto the review I gave for the site I stumbled.

To the site.

Wander-Cures.com is a site apparently written by, and solely of interest to an Indian chap called Ashok T. Jaisinghani.
In numerous garishly coloured pages Mr. Jaisinghani discusses the various ways multinational companies are oppressing/killing Indians with tainted water and pharmaceuticals. He goes on to express his belief that exercise and sex can cause constipation (and he knows of what he speaks because he has read’ about 500 books and thousands of articles on different systems of medicine and allied fields over a period of about 27 years’). Indeed he promises to pay a prize of one hundred thousand Rupees (a hair under £1’300) to anyone who can prove him wrong.

He goes on to discus his own quaint ideas about nutrition – ‘ Taking any nutrient in adequate amounts does not ensure that all the benefits due to that nutrient will be obtained.’.

Now if’ee want to say I’m being difficult then go ahead, but my gut tells me that the definition of an ‘adequate amount’ is the amount required to obtain all of the benefits, and therefore if one does not obtain all the benefits, then one has not taken an adequate amount. Still the Alchemist hasn’t been trying to understand the interrelationships between various nutrients for 35 years, so he may be wrong…

The nutritional laws of this man are as baroque as they are arcane and I shan’t attempt to give you a précis here, that would be a work of days.

The real meat of Mr. Jaisinghani’s site is that part which deals with Aids. Most anything can cause Aids according to Mr. Jaisinghani, including (but not limited to) sexual abstinence, iodine, antimony, vitamin D, phosphoric acid, chromium, benzene, sex, tea (oh dear), zinc, manganese, paraffin, magnesium, castor oil and ‘the Fury of the Sun’.

In fact the danger of Aids is so great that Mr.Jaisinghani has no choice but to break in to verse (no, I don’t know either).
It goes something like this.

AIDS is not caused by sexy Laila and Lola,
AIDS is due to the phosphoric acid in cola.

Will Americans think my article is a big joke?
They’ll be terribly sorry for any fun they poke!

But wait, for this is an anthology, further poetry explains other causes of Aids!
Throwing away their shirt and pant, or frock,
At the blazing Sun, all the great fools mock;
Their immunity gets the most mighty knock;
Advocates of long Sun baths are in the dock.
With great awe, Hindus bow to the mighty Sun;
Exposing himself, western man has a lot of fun;
Does the fellow really know what he has done?
To AIDS’ total cases, he has added a new one.
Well, on behalf of all Western Men, allow the Alchemist to apologise, we knew not what we did…

The website finishes with a heartfelt ‘Dedicated also to ALL the victims of medical maltreatment.’ – these victims are presumably Mr. Jaisinghani’s own.

Hooray for the Differently Sane!

I don’t know if you have been following the German elections as closely as you ought recently, but the cricket season is closed now so there is little excuse for continued ignorance. Generous soul that she is, Fräulein Merci H has written for me several emails over the last month each one expanding upon the horror story that is the German leadership struggle.

In the elections last month Angela Merkel’s Christlich-Demokratische Union and their Bavarian allies the Christlich-Soziale Union won only three seats more than Schroeder’s Sozialdemokratische Partei Deutschlands (I don’t know who would win if a German played a Welshman at Scrabble, but I think it would be as close to ‘extreme sport’ as board games could ever get).

This three seat lead is not near enough to form a government and neither side has been able to employ the sort of dishonourable coalition-forming small party co-opting shenanigans which ensconced Labour and the Lib-Dems in the Scottish parliament. Aye, we could learn a thing or two here.

In an attempt to settle this there have been conferences between the two parties – essentially one side says ‘Oh please, I’ll be your friend…’ and t’other says ‘Nien’.
There was floated the idea of a coalition of the two big parties forming a collation between themselves but neither side finds that very palatable and who can blame them. The SPD particularly dislike it, as they would certainly get the short end of the stick should it happen.

The CDU is laying down the law, saying that they have the majority of seats in the Bundestag (however narrow that majority is) and that they have the right to decide the next Chancellor (Merkel, our heroin). The danger is that with such a narrow majority Merkel will have to fight every issue and can hardly claim a mandate from the equivocal people. Nevertheless the issue must be decided by the eighteenth, when the new Chancellor will be elected.

Merkel’s popularity waned throughout September, but now appears to be back on the rise, largely due to the statesmanlike way she is handling this furore according to Fräulein H – who goes on to say that she finds it baffling that anyone can still support Schroeder after proving his incompetence so manifestly.

The alchemist waits with bated breath, as I’m sure do you.

Reader Fluent (look for his site in the ‘Bulldog Bloggers’ blogroll presently) has asked me about Shadow Chancellor George Osborne. In truth I was not going to bother with the man, he’s not a contender and is not what’eed call a classic kingmaker either.

Nevertheless the Alchemist gives the people what they want. y’see when I read Osborne’s speech the word which jumped out at me was ‘compassion’. A loaded word if ever there was one, and a damned useful one too. Were I a politician I would probably use it every day and twice on Sundays.

‘Mr. Alchemist, what is your stance on crime?’

I will be ruthless in pursuit of lawbreakers, but compassionate to victims and their families.

‘Mr. Alchemist, what will you do about the rising tide of illegal immigrants?’

I’m not without compassion for their plight, but that won’t stop me sending every damned one back where he came from.”

‘Mr. Alchemist, did you sleep with your secretary?’

I’ll answer these allegations when I return from compassionate leave.

Etc…

One has to ask if Osborne really means what he says, and if he does, will the Tories show compassion to every bit of pond scum the police haul in, or will it be reserved for those who deserve it? If your Author knows he’s damned.

Of course you, like the Alchemist want to hear about Mr. Osborne’s economic plans, he is Shadow Chancellor, not morality Tzar (the day will come, I fear). You will recall that a few months ago he attacked Brown’s tax-and-waste-and-hoard policy and stated his fear that the current economic incline was untenable past the end of the decade.
In his speech Osborne reminisced about previous Tory triumphs in the economic sphere and hinted that he was just the man to continue this good work. Before going on to lambaste Labour’s weakness in allowing the EU to enact legislation limiting Albion’s freedom, and pointing out the stunting effect this has had on free trade in general.

Osborne does have a flavour of Cameron about him, they are young modernises with vision, but precious little in terms of map-and-compass navigation ability.

Incidentaly, I stand by what I said earlier, Sir Malcom Rifkind would make a good Chancellor.

Those of’ee with long memories, or the ability to use a scroll bar will recall me talking about the Tory leadership a while back (Alchemy Passim) My purpose was to declare my support for Dr. Fox (wormy and racist according to you lot, alas). No doubt you will have taken careful note of news from the Tory conference. I know I have (that’s not sarcasm).

I said that the we need a leader with charisma, and I said that only Foxy seemed to have it. Now that young whipper-snapper David Cameron has stepped up to the crease is that still the case?

Well the boy certainly does have a way with words, no-doubt about it. They call him the conservative Tony Blair (I think they even mean it as a compliment!). It appears the Alchemist will have to eat his words. When I said ‘we need a leader with charisma’, I ought to have said ‘we need a leader with charisma who also stands for genuine conservative values’.

Y’see Cameron is rather well summed up by a comparison the Blair. They are both charismatic, young and they both hold the sort of views which appeal to North-London yahoos and Guardian readers. Were Cameron to win the leadership, I suspect he could win the next electio0n, but that would hardly be a victory for conservatives since he would carry out the same policies as Blair does now.

Understand, I am not against ‘modernizing’ per-see, but if the prise of victory is becoming ‘New Tory’ and being indistinguishable from New-Labour then it is too high a price to pay.

I suppose when it comes down to it, I will probably throw my insubstantial weight behind David Davis. It’s not that I have changed my mind about Foxy, merely that Divis is the lesser of those evils which have a chance of victory.

Alas…