Albion’s Alchemist

Hell & Damnation!

I honestly intended to write immediately after that last post, but, well as regular readers (which is to say anyone who reads at the irregular rate at which I post) will know, I’m unreliable.

Thank you to Mr. Free Market for that swift verbal kick – it seems to have done the job.

So… What shall we discuss?

Ah! I know just the thing. Any of you who have read or watched coverage of the latest atrocities committed in the name of animal rights will have been as appalled as the Alchemist, I’m sure. BUAV typically wash their hands of such violence, in public at least, but it still goes on, and one doubts that they are really that upset about it at Anthropomorphist HQ. The trouble of course is that there is no organized body to stand up for the rights of those Humans who don’t want to die from some ghastly, but potentially curable morbidity.

But wait! What’s that in Cyberspace? Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s a website!

Fear not citizens, for Pro-Test.org is here to stand up for your right to health. This is the project of one ‘Sqrrl101’ who prefers to remain anonymous (and the Alchemist understands why, long time Alchemy readers will recall that your author has himself been threatened for holding views out of harmony with those of another).

Last month our heroic Sqrrl101 and some colleagues, armed with almost £2 worth of protest gear, held a counter-demonstration during an animal-rights march in Oxon.

Doing so earned him a spot on the radio (credit where credit is due – I don’t like a lot of BEEB policies, but they gave him a voice) and an attack from SPEAK, who style themselves ‘the voice for animals’ – one wonders why they did not go the whole hog and call themselves SPEAK ‘the spray can and threatening letter for animals’. You can read the whole thing via the link from Pro-Test.org, I’m not linking to it because I don’t feel like giving them even one additional unique hit.

At the end of the day, the Alchemist likes animals a lot (I could eat a whole one), but he cannot bring himself to see them as people – this is because they are not. It is within Human power to save lives, but, as with any power, comes responsibility (oh dear, oh dear, oh dear). In this case our responsibility comes in the form of a choice – we can either save Human lives, or animal lives. It’s really that simple. One might argue that there is no shortage of Humans (I quite agree – and I am 100% in favour of birth control and abortion), however, by the same token, there are no shortage of rats, mice, fruit flies, dogs and cute little apes. So all we have to ask ourselves is, ‘which is more important?’ The answer, and it seems obvious enough to me, is ‘Humans’.

As an afterthought on my part, Pro-Test has a list of medical hoo-haa which has resulted from past vivisection (medicine is not the Alchemist’s strong suit, but he suspects the list is just a bare sampling of the whole) – and I defy any animal-rights activist to swear off the treatments on that list.

I almost take it as my due to get an email from some yahoo wanting to take me up on that – so let me make this clear, when I say I want you to swear off those treatments, I mean forever, you cannot change your mind when your diet of organic grasshopper’s ears gives you colon cancer.

Today’s post is sparked by an email from Alchemy correspondent in Germany, Fräulein Merci H. She believes she has formulated a solution for France’s current problems.

At it’s most basic level it does involve foreign soldiers marching down the Champs Elise. Fräulein H forces the Alchemist to admit that this has done France a power of good in the past, and that said soldiers would be far more orderly than the current rif raf who are rioting nightly. Now typically the flaw in plans such as this is Albion – give us a few years and we can generally drive the invaders out of France. Therefore Fräulein H has charged me with rallying my countrymen to her side, and the glorious cause of sorting Marcel out once and for all. We’ll cross the channel at the start of December, the French will surrender after a fortnight and we’ll meet the Germans in Paris for Christmas. We could play football - that was fun last time.

Now, in case you cannot tell, Fräulein H and I are joking. We both of us think it is a very fine thing that we can make jokes about this sort of thing.

It is November, the month when we ought remember that millions have died for us, for our right to make cheep little jokes. I’d like to offer some thoughts not about those who have given their lives for us – I’m far to poor a wordsmith to do the least of them justice – so instead I will talk about the organization which represents them and their dependants.

The Royal British Legion is quite simply, one of the most magnificent institutions which has appeared in our age of the world.

Many years ago I decided that as far as charity goes, one can either give a little to everyone, or give all one can spare to one charity. I choose the latter, and I chose the Royal British Legion. Animals and children have many charities but what the devil have animals and children done for The Alchemist? I might donate to the Earth-lobby, but they are a pack of soap-dogging weirdoes and the Earth is big and old enough to look after herself. After decades of pouring money into Africa where has that got us, I will not put my donations into the African black hole. As for the homeless, well I have been known to buy lunch for one particular vagrant, but she is a friend so it is not proper charity.

No, as far as I am concerned the only people worthy of my money are those who have done something for me.
The Royal British Legion represent those people. People who have had the courage to make MY safety their personal responsibility. People who have DIED for me. I don’t believe in an afterlife, but I know there are uncountable millions who have spent the only life they will ever have, just to secure a little peace and safety for your author.

When you see a politician wearing a poppy, he is only wearing it for appearance sake, after ordering British and Commonwealth soldiers to die in some god-forsaken Iraqi sandpit more than likely.

When I wear it, it is real.

Let’s look at the Royal British Legion.

It was founded in 1921 to support veterans and their families and to make sure that we do not forget those who have sacrificed themselves for us.

The Legion is almost the UK ’s largest membership organisation, with 519,000 members (including the Women’s Section this total is 589,000). twenty percent of people in the UK are eligible for it’s help in some way, 5.5 million ex-service people and 7.5 million dependants.
In total it spends more than £50 million a year but the poppy appeal raises less than half of that. the rest comes from year-round donations.

The 38 million poppies, 98,000 wreaths and sprays, 730,000 Remembrance Crosses are all made in a factory in Surrey. The factory, owned by the Legion employs about 60 people more than half of whom suffer from serious disabilities or illnesses as a result of their work, defending you and I around the world. It was designed to offer such people jobs and it always will.
Which is good when you consider that There has only been one year since the Second World War when a British Service person hasn’t been killed on active service, and that was 1968. There has not been any year since the inception of the United Kingdom when no British service person has not been injured.

So read this, and then, when Children in need or Live aid or comic relief or any of these other big-impact high-fat television extravaganzas ask you for money say no. Give Geldof a dose of his own foul language and damn Pudsey’s remaining eye.

Instead think about those who have died for you, and who are remembered not with a night of television fun, or a star studded concert, but with a simple paper flower, and give your money to the Royal British Legion.

In Flanders Fields

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

Well here’s a turn-up – your author has before commented on the lack of international news to be had from the mainstream media, so you will appreciate his feelings when he caught a report about the current German leadership contest on the BBC’s ten o’clock news broadcast. Good for the Beeb. Alas it was unsubtly biased and indicated the corporations doubts concerning Angela Merkel’s ability, and right, to govern, but as I said to m’good friend Poosh I am a grown up boy and expect nothing better from the BBC. Alas.

Id the Alchemist knows his German correspondent then she will even now be writing a joyful missive to him – the which shall be the basis of a post in the very near future.

However, this is by the by. Today we are going to talk about the Conservative party. I cannot wait.

They say (the Telegraph but other sources too) that David Cameron (Alchemy Passim) has overtaken Kenneth Clarke and is the second favorite to lead the Tories into the next election. As I have said before, I believe Dr. Fox to be the best man for the job, but will reluctantly be supporting David Davis as the lesser of the two evils (t’other evil being Mr. Cameron). It is of course well known that we Tories are a capricious bunch where our leaders are concerned, but I think the question of why this Cameron chap is rising so fast in the race is one which could bare a little examination.

You will recall that I have said all along that what we really need is a leader with charisma. Well, Cameron has that in spades no-doubt, added to that he is young and he has not split the party with his opinions, like Mr. Clarke and Dr. Fox had. All to the good you may say. Cameron is significantly more popular among activists when compared to Foxy and has a real backing amongst the rank and file of the party too.

The fact of the matter is that Cameron has founded a ‘cult of personality’ I use Dr. Fox’s own words on Cameron. This is his greatest strength (charisma!) and also his greatest weakness.

Y’see, the Great British public have already a Prime Minister who’s sole weapon is his personality. Given the choice between Tony ‘all mouth and no trousers’ Blair and David ‘all mouth and no trousers’ Cameron, the electorate will choose the devil they know and we shall have lost another election.

Certainly we need a leader with charisma, but that will not be enough, our leader must have something more. He must not merely equal Blair, but beat him, on more than one element. Writing in the Telegraph Cameron claimed that this was the case, he said that he had more than mere charisma, but if that is so, we have yet to see it.

So far 70 mp’s have declared for Davis, 33 for Cameron and a mere 21 for our Foxy, this is why the Alchemist supports Davis even though he prefers Dr. Fox.

Incidentaly, whilst we are talking about the Conservatives, have’ee ever noticed that the Conservative homepage has buttons for Scottish Conservatives and Welsh Conservatives, but not a murmer about English Conservatives…

Reader Fluent (look for his site in the ‘Bulldog Bloggers’ blogroll presently) has asked me about Shadow Chancellor George Osborne. In truth I was not going to bother with the man, he’s not a contender and is not what’eed call a classic kingmaker either.

Nevertheless the Alchemist gives the people what they want. y’see when I read Osborne’s speech the word which jumped out at me was ‘compassion’. A loaded word if ever there was one, and a damned useful one too. Were I a politician I would probably use it every day and twice on Sundays.

‘Mr. Alchemist, what is your stance on crime?’

I will be ruthless in pursuit of lawbreakers, but compassionate to victims and their families.

‘Mr. Alchemist, what will you do about the rising tide of illegal immigrants?’

I’m not without compassion for their plight, but that won’t stop me sending every damned one back where he came from.”

‘Mr. Alchemist, did you sleep with your secretary?’

I’ll answer these allegations when I return from compassionate leave.

Etc…

One has to ask if Osborne really means what he says, and if he does, will the Tories show compassion to every bit of pond scum the police haul in, or will it be reserved for those who deserve it? If your Author knows he’s damned.

Of course you, like the Alchemist want to hear about Mr. Osborne’s economic plans, he is Shadow Chancellor, not morality Tzar (the day will come, I fear). You will recall that a few months ago he attacked Brown’s tax-and-waste-and-hoard policy and stated his fear that the current economic incline was untenable past the end of the decade.
In his speech Osborne reminisced about previous Tory triumphs in the economic sphere and hinted that he was just the man to continue this good work. Before going on to lambaste Labour’s weakness in allowing the EU to enact legislation limiting Albion’s freedom, and pointing out the stunting effect this has had on free trade in general.

Osborne does have a flavour of Cameron about him, they are young modernises with vision, but precious little in terms of map-and-compass navigation ability.

Incidentaly, I stand by what I said earlier, Sir Malcom Rifkind would make a good Chancellor.

Those of’ee with long memories, or the ability to use a scroll bar will recall me talking about the Tory leadership a while back (Alchemy Passim) My purpose was to declare my support for Dr. Fox (wormy and racist according to you lot, alas). No doubt you will have taken careful note of news from the Tory conference. I know I have (that’s not sarcasm).

I said that the we need a leader with charisma, and I said that only Foxy seemed to have it. Now that young whipper-snapper David Cameron has stepped up to the crease is that still the case?

Well the boy certainly does have a way with words, no-doubt about it. They call him the conservative Tony Blair (I think they even mean it as a compliment!). It appears the Alchemist will have to eat his words. When I said ‘we need a leader with charisma’, I ought to have said ‘we need a leader with charisma who also stands for genuine conservative values’.

Y’see Cameron is rather well summed up by a comparison the Blair. They are both charismatic, young and they both hold the sort of views which appeal to North-London yahoos and Guardian readers. Were Cameron to win the leadership, I suspect he could win the next electio0n, but that would hardly be a victory for conservatives since he would carry out the same policies as Blair does now.

Understand, I am not against ‘modernizing’ per-see, but if the prise of victory is becoming ‘New Tory’ and being indistinguishable from New-Labour then it is too high a price to pay.

I suppose when it comes down to it, I will probably throw my insubstantial weight behind David Davis. It’s not that I have changed my mind about Foxy, merely that Divis is the lesser of those evils which have a chance of victory.

Alas…

Now I’ve not really talked about the Tory leadership contest on my own site before, but I’ve stuck my oar in when others have brought the subject up, today I thought it about time to rectify this. Not least because the alternative is complaining about the growing ease of obtaining a GCSE, you don’t want to read about that and I don’t want to write about it.

The new Leader, will be chosen in October, god willing, and even if you are not that interested in the contest, even if you are not a Tory at all (Those of you who are not, I congratulate you on being here, I know it can be difficult to read a blog written by a man who does not share one’s own ideology) you ought to learn a little. Y’see, the choosing next leader of the Conservatives is of critical importance to Albion, nay, to Europe and the world.

If the next Leader is a good man, a popular and wise statesman then people will vote for him. He will be elected, the Tories will have power, the EU will find opposition where now they find welcome, the state shall be just a little les of a nanny, and all will be right with the world. If the next Leader is a poor candidate, then Brown will be elected, the planets shall align and Satan will begin his thousand-year rule of the Earth.

Hyperbole aside, it seems obvious that Labour are the default victors of the next election, unless the Conservatives can furnish us a truly worthy candidate, hence, we must watch the contest carefully, since it is this very contest which shall ultimately decide our next Prime Minister.

Obviously, the name on everyone’s lips is David Davis, currently Shadow Home Secretary. That’s not snow on the roof, that’s cotton wool leaking from his head – in your Author’s opinion. Make no mistake, the man has ambition, and he’s a fine tactical sense, but he is not fit to govern. Not that I’d say it to his face you understand, If Davis hits a man, he don’t get back up again.

If not a Davis backer, most people will generally claim allegiance to Liam Fox, Shadow Foreign Secretary, your humble obedient among them. Our Doctor Fox has something the Tories have lacked since the good old days of the Iron Lady, charisma. It is a sad fact that elections are won by men (/women) not parties, and Fox is the man to do it. He might be a Scot, but he is a proper right-wing euroskeptic and not one to be bound by political correctness neither - you might remember many years ago there was a group of pop-tarts calling themselves the ‘Spice Girls’, or to use Fox’s nomenclature ‘three dogs and a blackbird’. Naturally this made a lot of people angry, but it made the silent majority laugh (quietly)

The third big hitter in the race is Sir Malcom Rifkind, Shadow Work & Pensions Secretary. He’s a good politician, but just a little wet for the leadership I deem. He’d probably do rather well as a chancellor though, just a hunch, you heard it here first.

Should Dr. Fox find himself the Leader this October, I can well envision him defeating Labour. He has shown a strong anti-Europe streak which will keep people from wasting their votes on UKIP (I’d vote for them if it were not a waste) Veritas and sundry other euroskeptic parties, and as a Scot he will appeal to the haggis fanciers who essentially decided the last election (nope, I haven’t forgiven yee yet jimmy). Shoulod Davis win, I fear we will be doomed to Prime Minister (President) Brown – and eventual membership of (occupation by) the United States of Europe.

This leadership competition really is that critical.

The IRA, and it’s various scions is one of the Alchemist’s least favourite religious terrorist organizations – you will appreciate that this is a hotly contested list.

I am of course rather too young to comment on their worst acts, these happening in the 70’s and early 80’s for the most part. Since then they have maintained a violent and murderous operation, but of steadily decreasing intensity.

In response to the group’s recent ‘promise’ to lay down their arms and pursue political means the British Army have begun to shut down certain installations in Armagh – this has been roundly criticised, and it is easy to see why. This is not the first time the IRA has promised to stop blowing people up, and it wont be the last time either – and with this borne in mind, weakening the Army in Northern Ireland does seem a trifle unwise. So why is it happening?

Simply put it is diplomacy. Diplomacy was once defined as the art of saying ‘nice doggy’ until such time as one can find a big enough stick. This is precisely what both sides are doing.

Both sides know that the cease-fire will not last, but both sides are willing to say ‘nice doggy’ to the other until a stick comes to hand. Unfortunately there is not a big enough stick to crush either the IRA or the British Army, so what will become of the cease-fire?

Well, it seems obvious that any reduction in overt Army presence will be countered by an increase in the covert – similarly we can expect to see more and more violent ‘IRA splinter groups’ which are in fact not splinter groups at all, but mainstream IRA doing business as usual under a new name.

Britain and Ireland will probably be forced to wheel out a couple more sacrificial lambs for the power sharing altar and Gerry Adams will continue to demand the moon on a stick because god knows there’s no reason for him to change, he’s an IRA meal ticket for life.

The big question is why does anyone bother? No one seriously believes this cease fire will last longer than the last one. Everyone knows that Sinn Féin is the IRA by another name and we are all aware that this whole situation is essentially and argument about who has the best way to worship the same deity.

There is, as we have discussed, no stick big enough, and the doggy is not nice, if we accepted those two facts then the situation would become rather simpler.